My children can go outside, play, get hot, sweaty and, most importantly, tired. A day in the sun does wonders for naps and nighttime sleeping. Phenomenal. I could do without the pollen though, that's for sure.
Now that we have this new house I have an infinite number of outdoor things that must be taken care of, like watering the lawn and the plants. Having lived in the city for ten years, I am not used to this at all. I had two potted plants in the city. Nature, and if we're honest, drunk post-grads, watered them. Life observation: Drunk post-grads are suprisingly useful when it comes to horticulture. They not only water your plants, but their leftover cigarette butts also decompose nicely, leaving you with freshly fertilized and composted soil. And all those years I thought it was my green thumb!
I've been meaning to water our grass now for a while. I finally decided today was the day. The wonderful company that built our home also provided us with two sprinklers. Not built in ones, but the pulsating kind. You know, the one the dance move is named after??
Anyway, I put the kids down for a nap and eagerly, and proudly, I might add, headed outside to be a homeowner. I placed the sprinkler in the corner of our yard, thinking it'd get the whole thing. I trudged back across the grass and excitedly turned on the water, waiting for the moment I could proudly smile at my accomplishment and the green lawn with which I was about to be blessed.
The water surged, the sprinkler turned on. Success!!
Except it was watering my neighbor's yard. Easy fix right?
Nope, because when I moved it and let it go, it no longer rotated. It just went tsh tsh tsh instead of tick tick tick tick, brrrrgghhhh on repeat.
So now the water is on, I'm getting soaked trying to move this thing and I want turn it off - but how do you know how to adjust the sprinkler if it's not on? Now, I am an American. I was not about to walk all the way over to the spicket to turn it off, move it, and then walk all the way back over to turn it back on just to see I had made a mistake.
So, the next best option of course is to leave it on and move it. Needless to say I got soaked again, and I'm pretty sure I almost lost my eye when the sprinkler jetted straight into my eyeball. Powerful little bugger, let me tell you. I wiped away the water, consequently smearing mascara all over the left side of my face. It's hot. I'm frustrated. Am I sweating or soaked? Not sure. Keep going, I say. You can do this. It's a sprinkler for chrissake! You have a masters degree. It shouldn't be that hard. Just think about it. Think!
So I spent the next twenty minutes moving the sprinkler around the yard (I did turn down the water so as not to get soaked again) trying to get it to be a sprinkler. It would only spray in one place. But that is not the dance move I know. What makes the sprinkler move so great is that you rotate and everyone gets to enjoy the loveliness of the sprinkler.
God help me.
Then I have a genius idea. Move it to the center of the yard and then it doesn't matter where it sprays; it will get the yard somehow.
I do this, but I still can't get it to pulsate. Up until writing this post I had no idea there were different kinds of sprinklers. Just thought there were underground ones and ones you buy at Lowes for $10. After extensive google research, I have since found that I have a pulsating sprinkler. I think. Or an impact one. Or maybe they're the same thing?? Idk!
By this point I had turned the water off and I examinied the sprinkler head. (Because I've seen one of these up close before and know all of its parts, so of course examining it closely will give me some sort of clarity. HA!)
I tug on things, rotate others, push down, pull up, flick levers up and down, exhausting. I turn on the water a little and convince myself it's rotating when it's not. I have been laughing at myself throughtout this unexpected epic fail. Who would've thought using a sprinkler would've been so freakin complicated?! I just thought you connected it to the hose, stuck it in the ground and turned it on. Wtf!
Now I am sweating and I'm semi-annoyed because I know my husband is going to come home and have it fixed in no time. As if he was born with some sort of sprinkler manual built into his brain.
Did I mention the crew of about 20 construction workers building the house down the street who have been watching this entire thing unfold? I'm sure they got a good laugh at my expense. I know I did. But all the more reason I wanted to figure it out. I can't let these guys who could probably do this in their sleep see me fail at a sprinkler. A sprinkler can't be my downfall!
By this point I was sufficiently embarrassed, so trudged back inside to google my problem.
I realized I must've really missed a life lesson when even Google thought I was dumb. I googled "how to use a sprinkler" and all these results came back on installing a sprinkler system, not operating one. Apparently, even Google knows how to turn on a $10 Lowes sprinkler. I tried YouTube. The same thing. I read three articles, none of which helped because they were all written on the premise that I know the names of the parts of the sprinkler. Like it's some sort of commonplace vernacular.
For example, eHow instructed me to:
Step 3
Push down the water deflector to reduce the distance the water travels. The deflector is in front of where the water exits the sprinkler head. Leave the deflector up to allow the water to travel as far as possible. The distance depends on the brand of pulsating sprinkler you own.
Step 4
Turn the water on from the nozzle and observe the pulsating sprinkler's spray pattern. Adjust the collars to keep the water within the desired area. Open or close the deflector to increase or decrease how far the water travels.
What the eff is a water deflector and a collar???!
My favorite line is where it tells you to "observe the pulsating sprinklers spray pattern." Well, if I could do that my problem would be fixed, now wouldn't it!!
I am now more determined than ever to figure this fucker out. Excuse my language, but it really is the only way to describe it. Sprinkler you laughed at me once, but not twice. I accept your challenge, fucker.
To be continued...
